I'm fed up with teachers and their hefty salary guides. What we need here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I'd pay these teachers myself....

I'd pay them baby-sitting wages. That's right...instead of paying these outrageous taxes. I'd give them $3.00 an hour out of my own pocket. And I'm only going to pay them for five hours, not coffee breaks. That would be $15.00 a day. Each parent should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Even if they have more than one child, it's still cheaper than private day care.

How many children do they teach in a day? Maybe twenty-five? That's $15.00 x 25 = $375 a day. But remember, they only work 180 days a year! I'm not going to pay them for all those vacations. $375 x 180 = $67,500. (Just a minute, I think my calculator needs batteries.)

I know teachers will say, "What about those who have ten years of experience and a Master's degree?" Well, maybe (just to be fair) they could get the minimum wage, and instead of just baby-sitting, they could read the kids a story. We can round that off to about $5.00 an hour, times five hours, times 25 children. $5.00 x 5 x 25. That's $625 a day times 180 days. That's $112,500.

HUH? Wait a minute. Let's get a little perspective here. Babysitting wages are too good for those teachers. Did anyone see a salary guide around here????

Let me see if I've got this right.

You want me to go into a room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning.

Not only that, I'm to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, and observe them for signs of abuse, drugs, illness while checking to see that all T-shirt messages and clothing fall within the established guidelines.

I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem.

I am to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, buy a car and how to apply for a job, but I am to never ask if they are in this country illegally.

I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh yeah, teach, always making sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.

Evenings and weekends I am supposed to plan lessons and homework for the next school day that will be so exciting and entertaining that my students will prefer school work to watching MTV or playing video games. Before I do this however, I must grade homework, papers and other assignments.

I'm required by my contract to be working, on my own time, summer and evenings and at my own expense toward additional certification, advance certification and a master's degree, to sponsor the cheerleaders or the sophomore class and after school I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my current certification and employment status.

I am to collect data and maintain all records to support and document our building's progress in the selected state mandated program to "assess and upgrade educational excellence in the public schools..."

I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respect authority.

I am to pledge allegiance to supporting family values, a return to the basics, and my current administration.

I am to incorporate technology into the learning, but monitor all web sites for appropriateness while providing a personal one-on-one relationship with each student.

I am to decide who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit crimes in school or who is possibly being abused and I can be sent to jail for not mentioning these suspicions to those in authority.

I am to make sure ALL students pass the state and federally mandated testing in all classes, whether or not they they attend school on a regular basis or complete any of the work assigned.

I am to communicate frequently with each student's parent by letter, phone, newsletter, and grade card.

I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a 45 minute or less plan time, and a big smile on a starting salary that could qualify my family for food stamps in many states. Is that all?

We were sitting around the dinner table discussing life and the man across from me decided to show his brains. He says the problem with teachers is "what's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

He reminds the other dinner guests that it's true what they say about teachers: those who can do; those who can't teach. I decided to bite my tongue and resist the temptation to remind the dinner guest that it's also true what they say about lawyers. Because we're eating after all, and this is polite company, I hold my tongue.

"I mean you're a teacher," he says, "Be honest. What do you make?" And I wish he hadn't done that (asked me to be honest) because, you see, I have a policy about honesty: if you ask for it, I have to let you have it.

You want to know what I make?

I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I can make a C+ feel like a Congressional Medal of Honor and an A- feel like a slap in the face. How dare you waste time with anything but your best.

I make parents tremble with fear when I call home: "I hope I haven't called at a bad time, but I wanted to talk to you about something Billy said today. Billy said, 'Leave the kid alone. I still cry sometimes, don't you?' And that was the noblest act of courage I have ever seen." I make parents see their children for who they are and what they can be.

You want to know what I make?

I make kids wonder, I make them question, I make them criticize, I make them apologize and mean it. I make them write. I make them read, read, read.

I make them spell definitely beautiful, definately beautiful, and definately beautiful over and over again until they will never misspell either one of those words again.

I make them show all their work on math and hide it on their final draft in English.

I make them understand that if you have brains then you follow your heart and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you pay them no attention.

Let me break it down for you so you know what I say is true. I MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE LIVES OF HUNDREDS OF CHILDREN.

Now, what about you? What do you make?

Submitted to a newspaper in Oregon ... a must read

Subject: No Child Left Behind

Sent to The Oregonian.

To the Editor;

I agree with your editorial position (Aug. 12) that educating all students to meet standards is the proper goal for our K-12 public schools. And though the 95% benchmark seems a bit high for right now I can go along with it as a spur to greater heights.

At the same time, I think our country needs a "No American Left Behind" law that would do the same for our lagging public and private institutions.

By 2014, our federal, state and local governments should be able to show that 100% of eligible voters vote, all drivers are safe and sober, all parents take good care of their children, and all people who own guns use them legally.

In the private sector, businesses should provide evidence that 100% of their clients are receiving the goods and services promised and that their employees are getting a living wage and health insurance; newspapers, that their stories are 100% accurate, doctors and hospitals, that they are curing all patients and religious leaders, that they are saving all souls.

What's that you say? "Those goals are not realistic.

You can't force people to do what's right or what's in their best interest. " Then I guess the only institutions we can count on to do their job are the public schools.

Sincerely yours,

J. Yatvin

Portland Oregon

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"SURVIVOR"

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?

Three businessmen and three businesswomen will be dropped in an elementary school classroom for 6 weeks. Each business person will be provided with a copy of his/her school district's curriculum, and a class of 28 students.

Each class will have five learning-disabled children, three with A.D.D., one gifted child, and two who speak limited, English. Three will be labeled with severe behavior problems.

Each business person must complete lesson plans at least 3 days in advance with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify, organize, or create materials accordingly. They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct, implement technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct homework, make bulletin boards, compute grades, complete report cards, attend IEP meetings, document benchmarks, communicate with parents, and arrange parent conferences. They must also supervise recess and monitor the hallways.

In addition, they will complete drills for fire, tornados, bus evacuations and shooting attacks.

They must attend workshops, (100 hours), faculty meetings, union meetings, and curriculum development meetings. They must also tutor those students who are behind and strive to get their 2 non-English speaking children proficient enough to take the Terra Nova and EPA tests. If they are sick or having a bad day they must not let it show.

Each day they must incorporate reading, writing, math, science, and social studies into the program. They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally stimulating environment at all times.

The business people will only have access to the golf course on the weekends, but on their new salary they will not be able to afford it anyway. There will be no access to vendors who want to take them out to lunch, and lunch will be limited to 30 minutes. On days when they do not have recess duty, the business people will be permited to use the staff restroom as long as another survivor candidate is supervising their class. They will be provided with two 40-minute planning periods per week while their students are at specials.

If the copier is operating, they may make copies of necessary materials at this time. The business people must continually advance their education on their own time and pay for this advanced training themselves. This can be accomplished by moonlighting at a second job or marrying someone with money

The winner will be allowed to return to his or her job

 

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